And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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