Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
