just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
