so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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