nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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