Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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