A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
