I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
