I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
