I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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