TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
