Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
send nudes
from the living room?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
