that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
