Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
