watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
