i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
