It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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