Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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