I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
