If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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