i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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