Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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