used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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