Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We left an ass print on the piano.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
