Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
