True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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