I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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