WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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