Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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