I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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