just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
