I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
