How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
