I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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