I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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