You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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