His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
