He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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