stop calling my apartment porn island.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
