So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
