I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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