so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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