I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
