I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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