i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
