life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
