sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
