i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
