I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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