I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
